She's Backkkkk [but still deciding]

 

Hi hi to the few readers are still here because oh my gosh, I suck at updating this blog but I also have a lot to talk about to do with that and life has been keeping me busy, but I miss esports, and there’s a lot going on in my head but let’s get into it because this blog has always been a safe space for me, and I hope for you too. Our safe hidey hole on the internet <33

 

So the elephant in the room, where the hell have I been?

 

Truthfully? I took a long ass hiatus as my mental was suffering and I had no time for anything but my placement year and survival. I checked when I last updated this blog and it was back in February before a VALORANT event that I didn’t even watch because I was so out of it.

For people who know me personally then this year will come as no surprise for having taken up all of my time – it was one of the reasons I left my esports job to begin with as I needed to prioritise it for the sake of my degree – but I also sort of shut down while I was on it, my placement kept me busy during the day but by night I was living in a really horrible uni house share that was ruining my mental state. My housemates were constantly bickering and our house was literally falling to pieces around us, in short it really really sucked.

 

It was only when I made some new friends at my local skating rink and a society at my uni that I slowly stepped back into esports and realised how much I have truly missed it, the community it gave me, and how I felt like I'd found somewhere I belong.

I have to shout out one of my friends, he would text me after every VALO match to update me on how the teams we support were doing, he probably didn’t realise it, but it made a huge difference for me, it got me back into esports without the pressure of sitting down watching matches minute by minute and writing commentary on it.

In short it took me back to my first interest in esports, just enjoying it, and being able to appreciate it for what it was without the pressure of knowing I had a word count to hit, or questions to prepare – it’s true what they say about turning your passion into work, you can really grow to hate it.

But again another huge shout out to that friend, he literally saved my ass without even realising it, his message to do pick ‘ems before this round of VALO Champs actually got me not only to do my pick ‘ems but also to watch VALO after so long of barely watching.

my literally horrendous predictions for VALO Champs T.T

I have done horrendously on the pick 'ems as a result of having been gone from esports for so long but I'm glad to be back even if my points are pretty much non existent.... It also got me back into watching streams and I’ve realised (despite how much my world felt like it crashed this year); that I’ve really missed esports.

 

Like a lot a lot.

 

I always say esports saved my life, if I hadn’t found esports when I had, I don’t know what to tell you, but my life wouldn’t look like this that’s for sure. So this is me dipping a tentative toe back into the waters of esports, because there is so much in gaming, and pop culture and esports I want to talk about that I have felt too stressed and too overwhelmed and too scared I’ll be rejected for having taken a hiatus that went on longer than I planned it to.

I'm actually really excited for Worlds this year too, it’s going to be hosted in London so the time zone won’t do a number on my body like NA Worlds did, and I’ll be supporting as many teams as I can – with a bias for EU naturally.

Like a lot of people (including many of my friends) getting hold of tickets did not work, so we are likely going to do a watch party together, I'm excited for that too, as aside from actually being in the arena, I’ve never done a watch party of an esports tournament before and I'm really excited at the idea of doing it.

 

I think another reason for me wanting to come back to esports even slightly through this blog has been the young people I'm blessed to work with each summer, I work as a summer school leader for international young people and many are avid gamers – it’s a great talking point – but it’s also led to some of my students recognising my VALO hoodie of Neon (it’s a super cute hoodie) and asking me about it.

I realised half way through explaining my esports story and journey into being a journalist and meeting pro players, and chatting with Riot staff, and all the other beautiful details that have made up my journey, just how much I 1. Missed it, and 2. Really wanted to become more involved again and be a little more than a passive watcher but do it on my own terms.

 

I remember in my original – I’ve left my esports job – article blog thingie I said I didn’t think I'd come back as a writer for esports following my hiatus (and my second hiatus) and this is in many ways still the case. I'm still undecided how I want to come back and to what extent, but I know this time around I want to set myself some ground rules, whatever content I do, I want it to be on my terms as much as I can so I don’t burn out again as badly as I did.

If Riot are kind enough to offer me a shot as a content creator of sorts for events in the future (for my content on here), then I want to look after myself and enjoy the moments and the journey not just push for the result. I won’t be setting a limit or huge target on written pieces on here, I'm going to branch out more into pop culture and discuss things inside and outside of gaming to balance my passion out and let me have more creative freedom.

I'm going to talk about the events I’ve been to like Comic Con this summer and how I met my fave YouTuber from when I was a kid while walking round (!), but I also want to do more commentary content like those you see on YouTube, I really want to talk about the boom of ASMR and ASMR roleplay (?) channels on YouTube back in 2020 and how Discord was an *interesting* place,

I want to talk about how Y2K idolisation is freaking weird from someone who was born back then and doesn’t like seeing childhood games romanticised in some weird internet way, I want to talk about my fave indie games right now, I want to talk about those Girls Go Gaming (flash??) sites that I was OBSESSED with and how maybe that’s not the gaming I'm into now, but I still go back and play them for the nostalgia, and yes I want to talk about the world of esports and gaming and all that good stuff too.

 

In short I really want to pivot this content to be a better reflection of who I am right now as a person, how I’ve grown in the two years since I started this blog and have my happy safe space on the internet back and active – and if it gets traction then that’s great but if it’s the same lovely human beings from before supporting me as much as ever, then you know what, I'm happy with that too!

I know I shouldn’t apologise for being burnt out, but I do feel really crappy for not keeping up with this blog, maybe I'm overhyping it in my head but I felt like people used to like my blog and what I wrote, and so I felt really guilty having just gone radio silent on everyone and stopped updating – though I promise it wasn’t anything personal as I’ve barely written anything to be published in months – fanfic or other. It’s only because I'm writing my friend a novel as a birthday gift that I’m actually slowly getting back into writing and enjoying it again and therefore wanted to bring back this blog ASAP.

 

So yeah, there you have it, I'm back and I'm going to try and be better (I know I keep saying that but I truly am working on it) at uploading on here and hopefully if you’ve stuck around these last six months or so then you’re happy to see me back on here typing away in the middle of the night as always.

 

Okie thanks for reading byeeeeee >.<

p.s apologies for the lack of editing!